Testing the Strong Ones
by Mariele
Summary: It didn't just happen overnight. It was 12 years in the making.
1. Compliment Each Other Like Colors

Well I know I'm totally behind on the bandwagon here, but I just discovered Degrassi like 3 months ago, so its still new to me. I basically wanted to know how Paige and Alex grew up to be the way they were in high school and how that led them to have the connection they did, so I decided to write it myself. Obviously, who's to say any of this would have happened, but there's nothing about the plot of the show that says it couldn't have! I will follow the plot of the show and include some scenes directly from the show, but the flashbacks and flashforwards will all be completely original.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. If I did, something very different would have happened when Paige told Alex to take the dress off in Love is a Battlefield. I also don't own the band Copeland or their song 'Testing the Strong Ones' from which I named this story.

Chapter 1

I drag my feet toward Degrassi Community School, eager to get the first day of grade 11 over with. First days of school were never fun for me. All they did was remind me of the world inside those walls where I was never what I really wanted to be. I was shaped by the opinions of others, until I began acting the way I knew they wanted me to. Not that I wasn't every bit the badass they saw, but there was more to me than that. No one is just one thing and one thing only. I know we're only in high school, but these kids have got to be perceptive enough to grasp that concept.

My friend, Ellie was sitting outside on the steps. I'd like to think she was waiting for me, but that probably wasn't true. We weren't exactly best friends, but we definitely had gotten closer in the past year. It was good to finally have a friend at Degrassi that didn't run with the crowd that was always causing trouble. I mean, I know I was a part of that too, but somehow, I felt like I could fit in somewhere else too. Maybe.

"Morning, Sunshine," she greets me as I walk up to her.

"Hey," I laugh, "I'm so not looking forward to this."

"Who does?" she asks with a giggle.

At that moment, I hear a familiar voice in the distance growing closer and closer. Paige. Seeing her always gives me the strangest mixed feelings of anger and comfort. My mind always drifts briefly back to a time when she wasn't a bitch or a cheerleader, but my quiet, sometimes insecure childhood best friend. But then, she would open her mouth and throw some snide remark in my direction, and I remember that isn't exactly the case anymore. Still sometimes I can see it in her eyes. She looks unsure, like she doesn't believe the harsh words she says about me even as they escape her lips. She should know better than to look me in the eye; it always gives her away.

"Hey, Paige. Great outfit," Ellie blurts out. I roll my eyes. I have no idea why Ellie always feels the need to compliment her. Don't enough people do that already? I take a step toward Paige, not even hearing her response to Ellie.

"Just because Princess Prissy talks to you doesn't mean you have to answer," I snap. I know Paige doesn't give a shit about Ellie. Why should she offer kind words to someone who doesn't even appreciate them?

Paige looks at me for a second. I almost feel bad. Those eyes again. She looks hurt. Well, good, she deserves it. I don't feel bad. I don't.

"I'm going, I'm going," and with that she disappears into the school.

Ellie and I turn around toward the giant front doors. As we walk in, my mind wanders back to a different time, like it always does after a run-in with Paige; a time when not all my first days of school were so bad.

ooooooooooooooo Flashback

In private school, it's difficult to tell the kids who have money from the kids who don't because everyone wears the same thing. The same thing I happened to be wearing on my very first ever day of school was a navy, green and white plaid dress. A bow of the same material held back my dark, brown hair, and my white, lacey socks matched my white blouse under my dress. It felt sort of like playing dress up. Not in a princessy, superhero sort of way – it was even better than that. I felt like someone important, someone who mattered. A doctor maybe? Or a firefighter. I just knew that if I said something, everyone would listen and would want to be my friend. Something like that.

I walked through the doors of the school in between my parents, each of them clutching one of my hands. I felt so proud and protected as we walked down the halls of what my parents told me was the most prestigious private school in Toronto – whatever that means. I was just happy to finally begin school and to be all dressed up nicely for a change.

When we finally reached the door, I could see the room was already full which meant we were late, but I really didn't care. My dad scooped me up in his big, comforting arms and kissed my cheek, quickly whispering in my ear so my mom wouldn't notice, "If you change your mind and want to come home just call me at work."

"Daddy!" I giggled, "I won't be gone forever."

"Okay, fine, but we're going out for ice cream after school," he said in a pretend-serious voice; the one he always used when Mom made him scold me for something I'd done.

"Yay," I squealed and wrapped my arms around his neck. As I did so, I spotted another girl who looked about my age, wearing the same dress as me except for her bright, pink shoes. They were pretty and shiny – much more so than my black ones. She was being dragged down the hallway by a lady, probably her mom, who was carrying a boy who looked a bit older. As the three of them got closer, I could see that she was crying and probably had been for a while because her face was as pink as her shoes. She finally managed to break free from the woman's grasp after biting her arm and she took off down the hall. I giggled a little and looked at my dad whose face seemed worried.

"Let's just go inside," my mom tugged at his arm but he didn't budge.

"Hold on," he said firmly.

The lady had now managed to hold the little girl under one arm and the boy under the other. It was pretty funny to watch her stumbling down the hallway. Once she got to our door she put her down and began wiping her tears with the bottom of her own dress.

"Paige, will you please stop being so difficult for just ten seconds?" she hissed.

"I want my mommy and daddy!" she continued to sob hysterically.

"You'll see them later," she groaned.

"I want them now," she sniffed.

"Well, I'm sorry, they're at work," the woman rolled her eyes. This was clearly a conversation she was tired of having.

"I don't care," the little girl's crying fit turned into screaming. I felt really sad for her, even if she was yelling and being kind of a brat. I couldn't imagine not having my mom and dad to take me to my first day of school.

"Paige, please stop crying. I have to take your brother to his class all the way on the other side of the school and we're already late."

My dad put me down and cleared his throat, "Excuse me? If you don't mind, we can take her in with our daughter. It's no trouble."

"Oh, thank you, Sir, that would be great," she kissed the little girl's cheek and hurried away with the little boy.

"What's your name?" my dad asked, squatting down to our level.

"Paige," she said in the smallest, most pitiful voice I've ever heard. Dad nudged me.

"Hi," I waved a little, "I'm Alex."

Paige wrinkled her nose a bit, "That's a boy's name."

"It's short for Alexandra," I defended.

"Oh," she didn't seem like she completely understood, but she probably didn't care much either. She was staring at the floor and her long, blonde hair covered most of her face. Being the happy and carefree kid I was most of the time, I had no idea what to do or say. I looked up at my dad, hoping he'd help me.

"Well, in you go," my dad pushed us gently toward the door, grabbing me by the arm before I went, "Oh, and you'd better invite her to get ice cream with us, too. I think she needs it more than we do."

I nodded in agreement and skipped through the door.

oooooooooooo Present

I sit on the top of the back of the toilet, my legs tucked up, hoping no one will see me in the girls' washroom. Gross? Totally. But it's a sacrifice I'll always make to avoid being seen with tears running down my perfectly made up face.

Today is going to be, without a doubt, one of the most difficult days of my life, and here I am, crying over something so small. Who cares what Alex thinks about me? Her opinion doesn't really matter to anyone around here – at least, not anyone I care to associate with.

What she said wasn't even that mean anyway. I guess it was just the way she said it. She talked to me like I was nothing, like dirt; like we hadn't spent countless nights at each other's houses making up dances to our favorite songs, like we hadn't been there for each other in the worst of times like when Alex's dad passed away, like we hadn't been best friends.

The door to the washroom swung open and slammed hard against the wall. The only girl that would open the door that angrily had to be Alex. Great. I heard her shuffle past my stall and I held my breath, trying to keep my sobbing under control. I heard Alex drop her bag down on the sink and mumble something under her breath. It almost sounds like she's saying something about being nice, but I can't quite tell. I lean in closer to the side of the stall in a vain attempt to hear more clearly and just as I do so, my foot slips out from under me. I let out a gasp, and quickly cover my mouth. But it was too late. I could hear Alex's footsteps coming toward me.

"Who's in there?" she taps lightly on the door, "Are you okay?"

Woah. Alex just expressed concern for another human being. Well, okay, in all fairness I had known her to do that many a time, but not since that fateful day. I wonder if she would still ask if I was okay if she knew it was me.

"Or not," she says after a lack of response from me, and walks back over toward the sink. I can't hold my tongue anymore. On the one hand, I don't really want her to know she succeeded in making me cry, but at the same time, I do wish she'd feel bad about it.

"You know, Alex, I really don't need any shit from you today," I say flatly. I know my voice is quivering though, which will surely give away the fact that I was crying.

"Paige?" her voice grows nearer again.

"You have no idea what's going on in my life right now," I continue.

"Same to you."

Okay, I didn't really expect that, but I guess she has a point. Still, whatever it is can't be worse than having to tell a room full of people, including your mom and your boyfriend, the dirty details of being raped.

"Oh yeah," I stand and open up the stall door, "are you going to court today against the guy who raped you?"

She looks right at me. Her face turns pale and I know she feels bad. I can practically see all the memories of our past racing through her head as she holds herself back from running to me, protecting her best friend from the world, asking me where the creep is so she can go kick his ass. She can't do any of those things now though – not anymore. Or maybe she just won't. I'm not sure which one. It's been too long. Too much has changed. We're just strangers now with identical memories.

"I'm sorry," she hangs her head down. She looks sad and small. Why do I feel like the bitch now? Why do I feel the sudden need to protect her when I'm the one who was supposed to be the victim?

"It's okay. You didn't know," it's the best I can offer. She picks up her bag and hurries out of the bathroom, leaving me to finish crying alone.

THE END! Well, for now anyways. This is going to be a looooong story at this rate. That's a good thing though, right? Should I just stop now? Hopefully someone somewhere out there still appreciates the love, even though our hopes and dreams have been dashed. Review if you like, cause I'd love to know if there's an audience for this. Have a fabulous day!


	2. Don't Forget How Well I Know You

WOW! Thanks for the reviews, everyone! You're all so cute. I'm glad you like the concept.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. I also don't own the song Risky Business by The Cab from which the title of this chapter was taken. Clear? Good. Onward!

2

"Marco, will you please calm down?" I beg my best friend as he paces back and forth. Its only a few minutes before the assembly where he was to give his election speech. _Oh, and be called a queer in front of the entire school by Alex._

"I know, I know, most people know I'm gay already, but this is so not the way I want my dad finding out," he whines.

"Relax, he's not gonna find out," I grab his shirt to stop him from moving and maybe in turn, cause him to actually listen to what I'm saying.

"How can you say that? You heard Alex."

I sigh and roll my eyes dramatically, "Marco, she's not really gonna say anything. She just wants to freak you out."

"You don't know that, Paige."

"Yes, I do!" I'm almost yelling now.

"No, you don't." Marco is pacing again. I grab his arm.

"Yes, I do!" I stare him straight in the eye. My eyes tend to give away my lies, but now it works in my favor since I'm not actually lying at the moment.

"How?" Marco asks sincerely.

I turn my head to the left, then to the right, searching for any intruding ears. Satisfied when I see none, I lean in to whisper in Marco's ear, "We used to be best friends. She might be acting tough, but I know her. She's not that cruel."

Marco's eyes grow wide. I know what's coming so I cover his mouth before he can say anything incriminating too loudly, "And don't you dare tell anyone I told you that. I did it to make you feel better, not so you could go blabbing to everyone."

"But, how?" Marco asks, his voice calm and honest.

"Remember the fancy, snooty private school I told you I went to for elementary school? She went there, too. We were in each other's class almost every year, and we just, were friends, I guess. I mean, how does anyone become friends?" I try to play it cool, make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

"Um, Paige, this is huge, how could you not tell me this?" Marco's voice becomes faster and now I know I've got him excited, which was totally not my intention. _I just wanted him to feel comfortable making his speech so he could win the election. How do my good deeds keep coming back to bite me in the ass?_

"It's really not a big deal, Marco. It was a long time ago. Things are different now," I remind him.

"Well, obviously, you two act like you hate each other."

"We do," I snap. _Do we?_

"But you must not really," he emphasizes the word 'really', "I mean, after being best friends for…" _He expects me to tell him how long we were friends. I can't believe this is where this conversation is going._

"…7 Years," I groan.

"7 years!" Marco shouts and I glare to remind him to be quiet, "Sorry, you can't be best friends for 7 years and then just become enemies."

"Sure you can, it happens all the time. Stuff comes in between friends all the time, Marco."

"Okay then, tell me what happened. Why'd you stop being friends?"

_Should I start with our encounter the day Alex first came to Degrassi in Grade 10 or in Grade 8 when our cheer squad went to her school to compete? Should I start with the day I saw her backstage before performing with Ashley, Terri and Hazel in Grade 9? Or should I go all the way back to when it all began at my birthday party in Grade 6? I know! I'll just not say anything at all. Yeah, that's a better plan._

"It's a long story, Marco," I flash him my best 'no, really, I'm fine' smile and push him toward the door where the election assembly is about to take place, "Right now, you need to focus on winning the race, Mr. Future President."

oooooooooooooo Flashback

"Hurry uuup, you look beautiful, Princess, let's go before all the candy's gone!" 11-year-old Alex knocked on her best friend's bathroom door.

"I've never put makeup on before. I don't know what I'm doing!" Paige shouted at her from the other side.

Alex groaned and pushed the door open. Paige stood there dressed in a fluffy pink dress, silver heels, and a ridiculous amount of jewelry.

"Sit. I'll help you," Alex chuckled as her friend hopped up to the bathroom counter to put them at the same level, "hold still or this could end very badly."

"How do you know how to do this?" Paige asked as Alex brushed a light pink color over her cheekbones.

"My mom. I used to sit on her lap when I was younger while she put her makeup on and she taught me," Alex replied casually, shrugging her shoulders. Paige was silent for a moment while Alex applied her strawberry lip gloss before using it herself.

"Paige, can you close your eyes for a sec? The eyes are the trickiest part," Alex asked, shuffling through Paige's sparkly makeup bag for the perfect color.

"Alex?" Paige asked shyly after closing her eyes, "how come I've never met your mom?"

"Well, we don't go over to my house that often and she goes to school at night after she works during the day, so she's crazy busy," Alex answered as she leaned close to her best friend, squinting with her tongue out a bit as she carefully applied a brown eyeliner.

"Then how does she have time to teach you how to use makeup?" Paige's eyes opened and Alex saw they were watery.

"She just makes time for me, I guess. Are you okay?" Alex licked her finger and wiped away a little of the mascara that had run down onto Paige's cheek, "I didn't get makeup in your eye, did I?"

"You have the coolest parents," Paige said, a look of amazement all over her face. Alex had to laugh a little at her friend's constantly changing emotions.

"Yeah," she took Paige's hand and helped her off the counter, "your parents aren't exactly horrible though. I mean look at this room. It's huge and you have everything."

"Its not the same," Paige walked over to her bed and sat down, "I'm just like, another thing my parents own. Sure, they take care _of_ me, but I don't feel like they really care _about_ me."

"Of course they do!" Alex picked up a silver crown from Paige's dresser and placed it on top of the blonde curls piled on her head, "maybe they just don't know how to show it. You know, like that time I went to tell that boy I liked him and I got so scared I ended up punching him instead?"

Paige giggled and stood up, wrapping her arms around her best friend. Alex always knew how to make her laugh just when she needed it.

"Hey, what are you supposed to be anyway?" Paige wrinkled her nose as she looked up and down at Alex's costume for the first time since she'd put it on.

"Wonder Woman, duh!" Alex rolled her eyes.

"You said we were both going to be Princesses," Paige pouted a little.

"No, you said we were both going to be Princesses," Alex reminded her, "I said I would look stupid as a Princess."

"No you wouldn't!"

"Yes, I would. Can't you just picture it?" Alex took the crown from Paige and placed it on her own head, prancing around the room and speaking in a slightly sarcastic, high-pitched voice, "Oh, I hope my prince comes soon to take me away to his castle where we can live happily ever after!"

Paige wrapped her arms around her stomach as she tried to keep from falling over in laughter, "Okay, what was the voice you just used?"

"Hey now! Don't insult my squeaky voice!" Alex pretended to be hurt, "I only use it on very special occasions, like cheering up my best friend, so you better appreciate it."

"I do. Thanks, Alex," Paige smiled sincerely, and snatched her crown back from Alex, "now lets go trick-or-treating, Wonder Woman, before Halloween is over!"

"Coming, Princess," Alex followed her out the door.

oooooooooooo Present

I shuffle down the hallway; hands in my pockets, eyes on the ground. Just when I was starting to have a little faith in the student body of Degrassi, they go and elect Pretty Boy Marco. Oh well, at least he asked me to be his Vice President which, by the way, was totally shocking. I wonder if student government works the same way as regular government where the VP takes over if something were to happen to the president. _Kidding!_I chuckle a bit at my morbid joke before I register the clicking of heels approaching quickly…then slowing a bit in clear hesitation…then resuming their steady pace.

"Stalking me, Princess?" I whip around to see Paige standing there like a deer in the headlights.

"It's been a while since you've called me that," she replies with a smirk, "Only, back then I thought of it as more of a term of endearment. Something tells me that's not so much the case anymore."

"Nope," I turn back around and continue walking.

"Alex, wait," she pleads. I love having control over her. Even when we were younger, I always had the upper hand: I cheered her up, I talked her out of doing stupid things, I gave her advice. But ever since what I refer to in my mind as _the incident_ in Grade 6, she's acted all high and mighty – like she not only controls me, but the whole freaking universe. So, the solution? Treat her like this. Act like I don't give a shit about her. It wasn't too hard to pretend I hated the world, but I'll admit, acting like I hated her did take some work. I've gotten good at it though – really good.

"What do you want?" I give her my best death glare. Well, I give her nose the best death glare. I can't look her in the eyes or I'll lose it. They'll get all sad and puppy dog-like like they did when we were kids and I'll feel bad, and I'll tell her I'm sorry for everything and can we just forget it and be friends again. No. I'm not giving in that easy. She hurt me too badly. She waited until the worst possible time of my entire life, and then kicked me down even further.

"I just wanted to say that it was cool of you not to call Marco out today," she says, "He was really worried, but I knew you wouldn't do it."

"What?" I step a bit closer, "You didn't think I would do it?"

"No, I didn't," she takes a step closer as well. Great. She's standing up to me now. I can't let her think I've gone soft again. The Alex she knew is gone as far as she's concerned. She used to be terrified of anyone who was mean to her when we were young. I had to protect her from people like me back then. So, why isn't she scared of me?

"Why's that?" I need answers. I don't know why.

"You're not a mean person, Alex," she says matter-of-factly, her face completely stone, but her voice almost sad.

"Oh yeah? Guess I'll just have to prove you wrong then," I walk swiftly past her, bumping my shoulder into hers as I go, "Watch your back, Princess."

"Bring it on, Wonder Woman," she replies. I swear I can almost hear the amusement in her voice. Oh yeah, she's proud of herself for that one. Okay, it was a good memory, I guess. I smile. No. No, no, no. Don't smile. I bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from doing so as I continue storming out of Degrassi.

Well, that's that. Review if you like and have a great day!


	3. Ghosts of York

A/N: Well I'm back yet again! I was able to get these up so quickly because I already had these three written before I started this story. SO, that being said, I'll probably take a while with the next few...my apologies!

Disclaimer: Degrassi owns me, but I do not own it. Chapter title is the song Ghosts of York by As Tall As Lions, which I also do not own. On with the show!

I know

we're all souls just

trying to connect with

someone but we're all left

searching on our own

"Not that I'd ever admit this, but I used to be scared of you," Alex says with a smirk as we clean up the remnants of our busy day at the movie theatre concession stand.

"Please! I'm so not scary," I laugh a bit. Wasn't Alex supposed to be the "scary" one now?

"No. You're a coward and a suck because if my boyfriend showed up here and treated me that way, I'd be shopping for a new boyfriend," Alex replied nonchalantly. I consider this for a moment. Did she just give me friendly advice about boys? Does this mean we're friends again? It certainly doesn't feel like our friendship used to, but it doesn't feel like we hate each other either.

"Don't just stand there staring at the counter, it's not gonna clean itself!" Alex snaps at me. That sounds more like it. So I was just imagining things. We're so not friends.

"Hey! You can't order me around. I'm scary, remember?" I tease as I pick up the towel and begin wiping the counter again.

"I knew I shouldn't have said anything. It was only for like a year, okay, when I first came to Degrassi. Not like, when we were kids or whatever," she shrugs. I love it when she tries to play something off like it's not a big deal. It just shows that she thinks it is. Which is cute. I mean, you know, in a pitiful little animal way.

"If you say so," I smile, waltzing over toward the soda machine to make sure everything was ready for closing.

"You're different, you know," Alex narrows her eyes at me for a moment, then go back to what she was doing.

"Well, yeah, it's been a while. People grow up," I'm not sure I even want to know what she's getting at.

"I'm not talking about your body," she looks me up and down. It makes me feel jittery; like I can't stand still and I need to move, but my feet won't budge, "I mean you stand up for yourself. I don't know. It just seems like you've got it together."

I scoff, "Seems would be the operative word."

"Exactly why I used it," she doesn't miss a beat, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never expected you to turn out this way."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I lean on one foot, my hip poking out and my hand resting there, "You think I couldn't manage without you there to hold my hand?"

"No, that's not what I meant at all," she raises her now shaky voice, "I'm glad you didn't need me, that's what I'm saying."

I just watch as she turns and walks into the back room. I have no idea what to say. Did she just compliment me? I mean, if I'm being honest, it sounds like her way of saying she's proud of me. She used to say it all the time when we were younger in the same awkward, dance-around-the-real-subject-until-she-gets-nervous-and-bolts sort of way. And what does she mean about not needing her? Just because I don't need anyone now doesn't mean I didn't need her back then. I was a complete mess and she was my rock. Certainly, she knows that meant a lot to me, doesn't she?

"Hey, by the way," she yells from behind the door, "newbies have to clean the bathroom, so get a move on."

And, moment gone.

I sigh and shuffle my feet toward the bathroom. She's changed too. How much, I don't know yet. But I'm determined to find out.

oooooooooooooo Flashback

"Hello, earth to Paige?" Alex waved her hand in front of the dazed face of her best friend who was propped up on her elbow, staring off into the distance. She finally tugged on a strand of her hair that had fallen out of her messy ponytail.

"Ouch!" Paige squealed, her attention now focused on Alex, "What did you do that for?"

"What are you staring at?" Alex ignored her question.

"Nothing," Paige blushed a little and sat up in her chair, "When's your dad getting here?"

"Whenever the other class gets here I guess," Alex shrugged, "Were you looking at that boy in the front row?"

"Maybe."

"Paige, forget it. Everyone knows he likes Ashley Kerwin," Alex reminded her, rolling her eyes.

"So? We're only 11, he can change his mind," Paige was practically drooling. Alex sighed and leaned back in her chair. Grade 5 was way too early to be seriously liking boys, in her opinion. Plus, she knew this wouldn't end well for her friend; this boy was trouble.

"Look, boys who go for Ashley aren't the kind of boys you want anyway, trust me," Alex put her hand on Paige's shoulder for extra reassurance.

"What does that mean? You think I'm not good enough for him?" Paige was starting to raise her voice. Alex knew where this was going. Paige had recently developed a strange desire to get into the "popular" crowd which really just consisted of a bunch of mean, stuck-up kids who sucked up to all the teachers and never had any fun. Alex couldn't understand why Paige would want to be a part of that.

"No, you're good enough for anyone. I just don't think he would see that. He's kind of dumb," Alex laughed, but Paige was not in a joking mood.

"Why not? We could be friends with them if we wanted to. Especially you," she said.

"What?" Alex wrinkled her eyebrows in disbelief.

"Come on, Alex, you're funny and smart and pretty and your dad is coming to speak to our class today. He's a doctor. You're like, meant to be popular," Paige stated as if it were a fact of life that could never be disputed.

Alex couldn't hold the roaring laughter in any longer, "Paige, that's ridiculous. I don't want friends just because they're popular or cool or rich or whatever. I choose my friends because I like them for who they are. Like you."

Paige smiled and looked down at her desk, "I guess you're right. Why does everyone else want to be popular then?"

"Because they don't know how awesome we are or they'd want to hang with us all day," Alex held out her hand toward Paige for their secret handshake, which she returned with a giggle. Just then, Alex's dad walked through the door and the girls ran to meet him before anyone else could see.

"How's my wonderful daughter and my favorite of her friends?" he put an arm around each of them.

"Dad!" Alex hugged him tight, "Come on, my classmates can't wait to hear about the blood and guts you get to see in surgery every day!"

"I can," Paige frowned and the three of them shared a laugh.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Alex's dad dug his hands into the pockets of his blue scrubs and revealed two tootsie roll pops, "Cherry for Alex. Chocolate for Paige."

"Thank you!" they both squealed and scurried off to take their seats in class.

oooooooooooo Present

I slump down in my seat in the cafeteria, moving the food around on my plate. There's no way I can just sit here and act like everything's fine today. It's completely the opposite of fine. I don't even really want to be here, but I had to come in to tell Paige to be at work tonight; otherwise my begging and pleading for her job back would have to go in vain and I can't have that.

"Alex?" she stands in front of me, holding her tray and looking like a fish out of water. I know I should just let her sit down, but this is much more amusing.

"Yeah?" I can't seem to look up at her.

"Thanks," she squeaks in a barely audible lisp. I love that voice. It's absolutely adorable. It worked on me when she asked me to do things for her when we were kids, and its working on me now. I don't think there's another person on this earth that could actually talk me into something just by sounding cute. Not even my ish-boyfriend, Jay. _Okay, Alex, don't go soft. You haven't gone this far just to let her completely off the hook._

"For?" I ask.

"You know, getting my job back and everything," she sits down without an invitation. How very Paige, "And for the backwards compliment you gave me yesterday about how I've changed."

"That wasn't a compliment," I respond quickly, now suddenly able to eat. I take a bite of my sandwich and scowl.

"I know it wasn't, but it's the best you can do these days," she offers. I know she didn't mean it to sound rude, but it did.

"Gee, thanks," I grumble.

"No, I didn't mean it like that," she speaks so quickly the words all run together, "Okay, now I'm starting to sound like you yesterday."

"Yeah," I say dryly, "we've both changed a lot. Sometimes it feels like we're not even the same people."

"It's still me, Alex," now she's getting that look she gets when she's trying to convince herself of something just as much as someone else, "I just…I made a lot of mistakes. It kinda changed me a bit, but I'm still me."

I tilt my head a bit. I'm not sure what mistakes she's referring to exactly. I think she'd tell me if she really wanted me to know. Maybe she'll tell me someday. I won't push. Well, not too much anyway. The only way to get Paige to do anything is to push. The trick is knowing how much she can take – finding the line between just enough to get her to do it but not so much it scares her. Even I know that and her stupid, asshole boyfriend who's been dating her for like, forever, can't seem to grasp the concept.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've probably made more mistakes. In fact, I'm sure you remember a few," I smile and I can see the twinkle reappear in her eyes.

"Yeah, I guess now we're even," she smiles back, "Oh, I um, I also wanted to say that I know what day it is, and…"

"Okay, let me stop you right there," I straighten in my seat and start to get up, "I don't want to talk about that."

"We don't have to," she puts her hand on mine for just a second and our eyes lock. She then proceeds to inhale sharply and jump, retracting her hand right back and putting it in her lap, like I had emitted a tiny lightning bolt as we made contact, "Um, I just wanted to give you something."

She shuffles through her backpack. My eyes begin to sting with the beginnings of tears, but I blink them away. Why'd she have to bring this up? Is she trying to make me feel bad?

"Here," she holds her hand out to me, revealing a cherry Tootsie Roll Pop. _I can't believe she remembered that._

I laugh a bit but it comes out sounding more like a cough as I try so damn hard to hold in my emotions, "Wow. Thanks, Paige. This is really cool."

"No big deal," she smiles and stands, "I miss him too, you know? He felt more like my dad than, well, my dad."

I nod. If I try to speak right now, I know I'll start to cry like the 11-year-old I was all those years ago. I haven't cried since that day, and I'm not about to start now.

"See you at work tonight?" she chirps. I know she's trying really hard to make me smile. She has no idea how little effort it actually takes when it comes to her and me.

"Yeah," I reward her with a smile just the same. I was right. She has changed. I still haven't decided if it's for the better, but I guess I'll have to get to know her again before I can really decide.

You say that you're alone

but you know I can't leave you

lonely and on your own

Well, there we have it! I hope it's not going too slow, but I do have to build this up a bit to get what I want out of it. Review, critique, complain, whatever! & have a fab day!


	4. I'll Be There

A/N: Hi kids! Sorry this one's a bit short, but I think it gets the point across.

(**To the person who asked about the ending, **Yes, there WILL absolutely be more after the Love is a Battlefield episode. You see, when I finish all the flashbacks, I plan on doing flashforwards…and that's where we get to have a little of our own fun.

Disclaimer: How about this? If anything changes in regards to my ownership of Degrassi, you guys will be the first to know…until then, lets just assume I don't own it. Oh and I don't own the chapter title which comes from the song I'll Be There by A Chance of Pace either!

ooooooooooooo Flashback

I shuffle my feet. I sniff. I tug at my long, dark hair a bit. I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. I'm only 11 years old for goodness sake. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

Yet, here I stand in front of a large, grey stone; all that's left of my dad here on earth, save for the things he left at our house. The things that mom sold or threw away the day we moved from our big, happy house and our swimming pool and our fireplace to a small, cramped apartment that smelled like cigarette smoke.

I'm not really sure why I'm here, or what to do with myself now that I am, but here I stand just the same. I can't stand to be in that apartment with Mom anymore. She's always there. She quit school, and she rarely goes to her job. She just sits on the couch, staring at the wall where I guess there'd be a TV if we could afford it. I'm still trying to figure out how we got left with almost nothing after my dad died. Mom says she'll tell me one day when I'm older. Whatever.

I wonder if I were to talk to him now, if he would hear me. I guess it's worth a shot. I sit down on the grass in front of the offending piece of stone, cross my legs, and take a deep breath.

"Hey, Dad," my voice comes out just barely a whisper, "I miss you. Mom misses you, too. A lot. So much that sometimes I wonder if she's even going to be okay. I don't know if I'll be okay either. Everything just seems so…sad now. Or something. School, home, everywhere. I feel like I don't have anybody anymore."

As if on cue, I hear crunching on the grass behind me. I turn to see a pink and blonde blur through my tears. She sits down on the ground beside me and takes my hand.

"That's not true. You have me," she leans her head down on my shoulder, "Hi, Mr. Nunez. We miss you. But, you don't have to worry about Alex anymore. I'm here, and I don't plan on going anywhere."

I smile and lay my head on top of hers. _Thanks, Dad._

_oooooooooooooo Present_

"So, Paige, how was your day?" Alex asks me as she leans down and swipes a bag of gummy worms from under the concession counter. I narrow my eyes suspiciously in her direction, searching for signs that she just might burst out laughing and tease me for thinking she cared about my day.

"Good," I manage to say slowly, "How about you?"

She laughs. _Yep, thought so._

"No, I'm actually asking you how your day was. As in, details. Saying your day was good doesn't really answer my question," she turns and pops a gummy worm in her mouth, then smiles at me. Not the smirk that usually accompanies all her words in my direction, but a genuine, sparkly-eyed smile. The same kind she used to get when we snuck cookies from my mom's jar before dinner or when she won whatever game we were playing on Wednesday Family Game Night with her dad. _Yet, somehow this is new._

"Um, well, I got an A on my English paper, and…" she cuts me off.

"Paige, do I need to teach you how have a friendly conversation that isn't about school?" she pushes my visor down over my eyes and laughs. I know my hair must look ridiculous now, but I somehow don't care. I put it back on properly and skim my hands over my hair, adjusting my ponytail. Her subtle ways of still giving me a hard time while being nice are like an art form – and she's mastered it.

"Well, I think Mr. Oleander was flirting with me today in yoga class," I offer, assuming she'll be completely uninterested.

She laughs, for the second time in 15 seconds. That must be a record.

"What?" I ask innocently.

"You take yoga?" there's that smirk again. Good, I was starting to miss it.

"Hello? Did you not here that Mr. O is teaching it?" I put my hands on my hips.

"He's not that cute," she shrugs.

"What? Not that cute? I suppose you must think Jay is dreamy, then?" I tease.

"He's alright," she pops another gummy worm.

"Alright? Alex, he's your boyfriend. You can think your own boyfriend is dreamy, you know," I remind her, "Wait, are you guys having problems?"

"No. Well, no more than we usually do," she scoffs, "I mean, we're good friends and he tries…sometimes…but I don't know. I guess I just don't really feel it like I used to. Or, like I thought I used to."

"You mean, like, you don't love him?" talking with Alex like this really isn't as hard as I thought it would be.

"Of course not!" she looks at me, then the floor, "Did you love Spinner?"

I contemplate this a moment. I had certainly said I loved him. And we dated for a long time. We were just about the most adorable couple at Degrassi for a while – in my opinion, anyway. But was it an epic, romantic, storybook, heart-pounding, butterflies in your stomach, thinking about each other all the time, writing sappy love letters kind of thing? No.

"I don't know," I pursed my lips to one side like I always did when I was deep in thought.

"Do you love Mr. O?" she pries further. _What is with this girl today?_

"I like him, a lot, but he's a teacher, so we haven't really spent much time together," I admit sadly, "I guess I couldn't really love him yet."

"Wow. You mean you actually have to get to know someone before you love them? It's not just about looks?" she says in a less than joking sort of way. I start to get upset and say something witty and slightly mean back, but I see the amusement in her eyes so I refrain.

"Whatever," I tuck a stray hair behind my ear, "He's a teacher anyway."

"So?" Alex throws a gummy worm up into the air and catches it in her mouth. Impressive. "Aren't you kind of over high school boys?"

I'm surprised she's not lecturing me about staying away from teachers like everyone else. Actually, no I'm not.

"What exactly did he do to 'flirt' with you anyway?" she continues.

"Well, he put his arms on my hips and showed me how to do this yoga position, and then he told me I got extra points for smiling," I swoon.

"Hmm," is all she says.

"I mean do you think it meant something?" I can feel my voice getting faster and more high-pitched, "I mean, it might have, but then Hazel said that…this is torture!"

"You and the Furby just broke up," she replies, "its okay to be single for five minutes."

"Easy for you to say!" I snap, just before the object of my affection, and our current conversation, approaches the counter.

"To say what?" he asks so casually. _If only he knew._

"That, um," I struggle for words and I can just feel Alex holding in a laugh, "I so hate polyester." _Lame. So lame._

"Okay," he begins, clearly thinking I'm an idiot, "Anyway, I was just walking by and I thought I'd come say hi to my favorite yoga student."

He taps the counter, smiles, and walks away. Just like that. Alex comes up behind me, breaking my daze and almost causing me to jump.

"You should go for it," she says.

"What?"

"I happened to see my favorite yoga student?" she grins, "Please. He loves you."

_Well, maybe, just maybe, Alex is right and everyone else is wrong._

"Last one," Alex pulls out a gummy worm from the bottom of the bag and crinkles it up, "want it?"

"Sure," I reach out.

"Open your mouth," she grins a bit mischievously. I smile without really meaning to and do as I'm told. She places the blue and pink candy on my tongue and I accidentally catch her index finger between my lips. I blush a little. _Wait, why am I blushing? Probably just the after effect of seeing Mr. O. Yep, that's got to be it._

"Paige?" she snaps her fingers in front of my face.

"Oh, uh, what?" I guess I had been lost in my daydreams again.

"I asked if you if liked it," her face is expressionless.

"Yeah," I made a noise of approval, "tasty."

"The gummy worm or my finger?" she winks and prances off to the back room to get some more cups. _Oh, she's so proud of that isn't she? How can I get her back? Wait, get her back for what?_

I shake my head and grab the broom from the corner, strangely eager to busy myself with work.

When everything you've ever loved has left you

I'll be there for you

Review if you like!


	5. Something To Do With My Hands

A/N: Back again! This chapter is longer. I worked super hard on it (well, as hard as one can work during class...) because this, I think, was a very big moment in Alex's life, and I want to do it justice. I mean, she had to have had feelings for Paige before the premiere, right? I can't imagine what she had been going through emotionally…

Disclaimer: ANYWAY! I don't own Degrassi or Something To Do With My Hands by Her Space Holiday.

**You know it kills me to see**

**Such a pretty girl so tired**

**You've got your mother's cheekbones**

**And your father's crooked smile**

**Forget all those places**

**That you've never really been**

**And all those situations**

**You somehow found yourself in**

"Say it in your squeaky voice!" I blurt out, my mind clearly lost somewhere in time. Thinking she probably wouldn't be in a mood to relive the past, I start to take it back, but she was too quick.

"Everybody looks so happy," she squeaks. I laugh. I love it. Six years later and that still cracks me up. I wonder if it still will in another six. Well, assuming we still know each other that is.

"I'm bored. Maybe I should eat something," she searches around for something besides popcorn. Oh no, we were just about to get into a discussion about a serious factor of our near future right now: college. She's not getting out of it that easy.

"Twenty universities and colleges are coming to Degrassi on Wednesday," I remind her.

"So?" she reacts as I had expected, "Look, don't worry about me. You're applying to Banting. Worry about choosing the right SUV following graduation."

Well, if she doesn't want to talk about this, we can talk about my boyfriend. Then I bet she'll want to go back to talking about college! _Now that I think about it, that is sort of weird. She acts nice and friendly until I bring up a boy. Maybe she just wishes she had her own boyfriend and gets jealous. I guess that is sort of inconsiderate. But it's her own fault; she doesn't want to talk about college and what the heck else is there to talk about?_

"You want to take my shift tomorrow?" I begin

"I need the money," she replies simply. _Ask me why, ask me why, ask me why! Hmph. Fine, I'll tell you why._

"Want to know why?" I don't wait for her to answer, "Matt's back!"

"Now say it in your squeaky voice," she says bitterly. _Yep, she's mad._

"He called me last night out of the blue," I don't know why, but I can't stop talking about him around her, "By this time tomorrow, Matt and I will be reunited. Resuming quelle grande romance."

_Okay, yeah, that was a little much._

"Great. Now I'm bored, nauseous, and irritated, all at the same time," she really does sound angry. The weird part is, she's not taking it out on me. What's wrong with this picture?

"Well I'm just plain all happy," I chirp._Just because Alex is mad doesn't mean I can't be happy._

Just then, our manager, Meeri, comes out from the back room and starts rummaging through something in a drawer under the counter. She leans over and I can see a spot of bright, green paint on the back pocket of her jeans. I giggle. She must have leaned up against the wall in the bathroom where they just redid the paint job. I know because I almost did it earlier, but Alex grabbed my arm and pulled me away right before my ass hit the wall. _Its funny that it happened to Meeri, though. I really hope everyone sees it and she gets really embarrassed_. _She deserves it for making our lives hell at work._

I look over to Alex, expecting her to be giggling too, but she's not even paying attention. This is too good. She must see it.

I walk over to where she's leaning against the counter and put my hand on her shoulder. I figured I'd better whisper so Meeri doesn't hear us blatantly making fun of her. She starts to turn toward me but I lean against her so she can't move. It's easier to whispers secrets this way. I cup my hand on her cheek, and bring my lips up to her ear, "Meeri totally has paint on her butt right now."

She isn't laughing. _Why isn't she laughing?_ She actually looks like her soul has completely left her body. And her face looks a bit red. _Maybe she's getting sick._

"Did you hear me?" I whisper again. This time she turns her face a bit, her cheek pressing against mine as she now brings her lips to my ear.

"Hilarious," she whispers and I shudder as her warm breath tickles my ear. I sense a bit of sarcasm. Before I can come up with a remark she storms off. I guess she must still be mad because of my bragging about Matt earlier.

I lean back and wave my hand in front of my face. It feels like the air conditioner is broken or something. I decide to walk outside for a moment, hoping it would be cooler out there. As I reach the steps outside the employee entrance, I see Alex. She's practically running away from the theatre, out toward the street. _Is she allowed to do that?_ _Seriously, what just happened?_

**You know it saves me to think**

**Even for a little while**

**I owned the set of shoulders**

**That you came to rely on**

**Like in that movie theatre**

**When you whispered in my ear**

**I almost didn't make it**

**This has been my hardest year**

"Hey, Dad," I stand awkwardly in front of his grave, as though if he could see me, he'd be ashamed, "I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while. Not that it really matters – you're not actually here."

I turn to look behind me, making sure no one's here. It's been about 5 years since I came here, and for some reason, I felt really stupid and self-conscious. Dad probably can't hear me anyway, and if he could, it wouldn't matter if I was right in front of his grave or on the moon. Yet, somehow, standing here, looking at his name etched into the stone, makes me feel reassured that he's listening.

"So, Paige and I are friends again," I start nervously, "or something like that. She's changed a lot since we were little, but I guess everyone has to. I think you'd still like her though – I do, even though I can't seem to act like it. She's popular and has like a billion friends…what she's always wanted. And most of the guys are all practically drooling over her. Including the teachers."

I laugh dryly for a moment, taking a pause to think. What about? I don't know.

"They're stupid though. I mean, I wish she'd find a guy that, I don't know, wasn't always making her feel bad about herself. Like, this dude Spinner is always teasing her, but not like I do. This is different. He takes advantage of her and he totally doesn't really care about her, I can tell. He flirts with other girls and he's completely oblivious to her feelings. And then there's Mr. O, our teacher. The guy led her on and blamed their relationship on her when they got found out last year, and now she's all excited because he's coming into town for one stupid date tomorrow. Its like she's so desperate just to have someone so she won't seem like a loser that she'll just let them treat her like shit."

I shyly put a piece of my hair behind my ear, realizing I'm sounding a little overprotective.

"And if its not the guys, it's the whole gang of stuck-up cheerleaders she hangs out with. They don't treat her any better than her boyfriends do. Except maybe this one girl, Hazel. I'll admit she's a pretty good friend to her most of the time, but I still think she could do better. I mean, I'm not saying that I would be better, but…"

My voice trails off as I recall the scene at the movie theatre just a moment ago. Paige was whispering something into my ear and giggling. I have absolutely no idea what it was. I was too distracted by the fact that her entire body was pressed up against mine, her lips brushing lightly against the skin of my ear; all her attention for that brief moment was entirely on me. It felt nice to have all the focus of the Queen of Degrassi, even for just a second; her warm body, a comfort; her lips sparking a jolt of electricity from my head to my toes. That familiar tingle was setting in again and I could feel my cheeks growing red. Why was this happening?

"No, you know what, Dad? I think I could be a better friend than the entire Spirit Squad combined. I could probably even be a better boyfriend…I mean, you know, if I was a guy."

I laugh awkwardly. It's weird to have thoughts like that, but they're there nonetheless. I'm not really sure what it means. I mean, I'm a girl and she's a girl, so I obviously don't like her like _that._ But, I know I feel something really, really strong. Something I've never really felt before, which makes it even more difficult to figure out what to do with it. I guess I could tell Dad. He would know what to do.

"Dad, I don't know what's going on, and I don't know who to talk to about it. No one would understand. I don't even understand, so how could they."

I kick the grass lightly. So many thoughts are running through my head right now I feel like I might pass out. I sit. Maybe if I just say it all out loud I can make some sense of it. Or maybe Dad will miraculously come back to life and put his arms around me and tell me that whatever this is, it's not going to completely destroy me, like I swear its going to. _Yeah right._

"When I'm around her, it feels like it used to, you know? Only, its different now because she's not shy anymore and she doesn't come running to me with every little problem like she did when we were kids. Not that I minded, but it makes me feel like I don't have all the answers anymore and its weird. She is a mess though, Dad. I know she's been through some crazy stuff in the past few years, but she won't tell me about any of it. I know I could help her if she would. Well, maybe not help, but I could be there. I can listen or whatever, if she'd let me. I know her, the real her, and its still there buried underneath all that makeup and hairspray. I just get the feeling that she hasn't been around anyone who will let her be herself in a long time, but I get glimpses of it, sometimes. I'm really proud of her though. I know she's still as insecure as ever, but she doesn't show it. She seems really strong."

I think back to the time in the bathroom when she told me about being raped. _I wonder if that was really true. I don't know why she would lie to me about that, but still. I wonder if her boyfriends know. I wonder if they understand. Probably not, that's all that boys our age think about. I'll bet they don't even care that she's probably terrified of getting too physical. I really hope she doesn't do stuff with them just because she feels like she has to. She probably has no idea what sex is really supposed to be like. Of course, neither do I. I've been with one guy, who after last year, I'm pretty sure never cared about me. Not that way I'd want someone too, anyway._

"I've never felt this way about anyone before…friend or more than friend. I mean, I actually look forward to school and work now because it's the only time I get to see her. Its really easy to push her buttons too. I like to tease her just to see what her reaction will be."

_Which I guess is like flirting in preschool…God, I'm pathetic._

"I love it when she laughs though, too. I always know exactly what to say. She's really beautiful when she laughs."

_It's okay to think your friend is attractive. It's just a fact. Anyone with eyes can see it. It doesn't mean anything._

"Like, I don't know, her whole face is different. It's like she has this expression at school and it's what everyone sees and she carefully holds it in place all day, every day. But then when we're alone, just the two of us, she changes. She's more relaxed. She gets a whole new set of expressions that I don't see at school. It does make me feel kind of special."

_That's just the sign of a friend. They're special. No big deal._

"Sometimes, though I think she needs someone that she doesn't have. Her friends all expect her to just be happy 24/7 and never complain. Her boyfriends just expect her to fool around with them all the time when they know she's been through a lot and has a hard time with that stuff. But who's there to cheer her up when she's had a bad day? Who's there to listen to her when she needs to talk? Who's there to give her the love she deserves? Who's there to show her that sex isn't supposed to be so scary?"

_Uh, what?_

"Dad, what if I do like her? Like her, like her, I mean. I've never liked another girl like that before. What if I'm just confusing our friendship with something else? I mean, how can I know for sure?"

_If it was some guy, I'd probably try to kiss him. But I cannot kiss Paige. She would die. She would freak out, run away, and never speak to me again. Wouldn't she?_

"I guess it won't hurt to give it a shot. I mean, you never know until you try." I stand up and brush myself off, suddenly feeling a little more confident.

_This is either going to go really, really badly. Or…it could be really, really amazing._

"Well, gotta go back to the theatre. I kinda left Paige all alone with Meeri. Thanks for the talk, Dad. I'll let you know how it goes."

I smile and make my way quickly back to my friend.

_Friend. It feels good to call her that again._

**Let your body sink into me**

**Like your favorite memory**

**Like a line of poetry**

**Or a fucking fit of honesty**

**In case our timing is right**

**In case you need more from me**

**Than a bit of advice**

**Or a tongue full of sympathy**

Read & Review! =D Or just read and have a great day!


	6. My Light in the Dark

Author's Note: Yes yes, I know the next chapter should be about the kiss, but it's not. I just felt the need to slow that moment down a bit, so that episode will probably be the next three chapters. It'll be worth it, I hope.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or the song My Light in The Dark by Basshunter.

ooooooooooo Flashback

I raised the bottle to my mouth and took a deep breath. I could tell from the scent I breathed in that whatever was in here was strong. It was sure to be more powerful than the wine and beer I had only just begun my foray into these past few weeks. I'm only 12 years old. I shouldn't be doing this.

I don't know why I'm doing it, honestly. I guess I just do it because Mom does it. It seems to help her cope. Not me though. It doesn't make me miss my dad any less. It doesn't make my mom go to work. It certainly doesn't make her stop doing it, too. No, it only makes her buy twice as much on her twice weekly trips to the liquor store down the street. It doesn't bring me happiness and it doesn't bring me hope. If anything, I'm losing everything: my grades, my friends, myself.

As I swallow the first little bit, I hear a tap on my front door. It startles me, I jump, I choke, and a coughing fit ensues. I don't know who it could be, but I instantly hate them. I stumble toward the window, already four beers deep and a sip of whatever just went down the wrong way. I open the door, just a crack, and standing there is a ghost from the past, holding a shiny, blue purse and clicking her heels. She doesn't look 12 anymore, she looks about 16. At the sight of me, she flips her long, blonde hair back and snaps her gum as if annoyed. She looks completely foreign to me, but I guess I haven't seen her since the first few weeks of grade 6. I've since dropped out and I guess it's almost summer again. I'll be doing summer school, but at least she won't be there.

"What?" is all I manage to say. She'd been here almost every day after school for a while. Then every few days. Then once a week. Then less. I understood though. She was busy. In my absence she'd found a whole new set of friends, a whole new wardrobe, a whole new Paige. I'm not sure if she's better off for it. I guess I'd like to believe her life was better with me in it, but I know she likes this new version of herself. She's much more confident, the boys drool when she walks by, the girls are jealous, and she knows how to manipulate anyone into getting what she wants. That's good right? I mean, it's what she's wanted ever since we got to that age where life wasn't about make-believe and obeying our parents anymore.

"Here," she holds out a bright pink piece of paper.

"I told you, it's fine," I groan. I know what this is. We've already discussed this into the ground, "I didn't go to school this year, so why should I go to a graduation party anyway?"

"I should have just ignored my mom in the first place, okay? It's my party. I should be able to invite whoever I want. If she doesn't want you there, that's her problem," she shrugged. The way the words fall out of her mouth, one would swear she cares about nothing and no one, but I know there's weight behind them. This is as caring as she's able to be anymore.

"I'm not going where I'm not wanted," my prideful tendencies always seem to get the better of me.

"I want you there. What's the big deal?" she pops a bubble and shifts her weight. I almost forget who she is. I feel like she speaks a different language now; one that I'll never learn.

She doesn't really want me there. I'm not sure how to get her to see it, but I know she doesn't. She only comes over here out of old habit these days. We've changed. It's time to move on. Honestly, how many people keep around every best friend they met when they were 6 anyway?

"We're not even friends anymore, Paige!" I snap. She stops chewing a moment and squints her eyes at me. I don't know if I've hurt her or made her angry. I don't really care either way. She'll get over it by the time she reaches the bottom of my apartment stairs.

"Hon, we'll always be friends," she says as if it's common knowledge.

_Hon? Since when does she say "hon"? She sounds like my mom when she's belittling me for something stupid I've said._

"No, we used to be friends before you decided I wasn't good enough for you anymore. You know, right after you promised you'd always be there for me. Remember that?" I tilt my head to the side and smirk, the same way I used to when we joked around. But that was then, and this is different.

"I tried to be there for you and you pushed me away, Alex. I came here every night after school and every night you just whined and complained about how you have no one. No one, no one, no one, that's all I heard for months! Do you know how it feels to hear the person who means everything to you say that you are no one to them?" she shrieks, on the verge of tears now, but holding it together with anger.

I am honestly speechless. I had no idea that I had made her feel that way. I guess she's right. I haven't really thought much about anyone other than myself since everything happened with my dad. But if I really did mean so much to her, why didn't she ever tell me? I mean, I know we are…were…best friends but she relies on her actions to communicate what I need to hear, especially then. That's always the problem with us though. She holds back her real feelings until I'm certain they aren't even there and move on.

"I'm sorry," I relent, "I didn't know."

"Whatever," she sighs, "You should have known better than to think I wouldn't want you at my graduation party."

"I know, I just," I hate talking about my feelings, "I heard everyone was talking about how I'm the problem child now or whatever, and how your mom said you couldn't invite me because it would make her look bad."

"Well, that was before my parents found out about my brother's dirty secret and I'm pretty sure you would be the least of their worries now," she smiles mischievously.

"You mean golden boy did something bad?" I raise my eyebrows, trying to picture Paige's older brother with his perfect blonde hair and sparkling eyes that matched hers being anything less than pristine.

She motions for me to lean toward her with her finger, "He's gay."

I burst out laughing and she shushes me, "No one knows yet, okay, except my family. So don't tell anyone."

"I can't even believe that could happen to someone like him," I whisper.

"I guess it can happen to anyone," she puts the invitation in my hand and tucks her hair behind her ears, "So, I'll see you there?"

"Sure," I smile and close the door.

_No, you won't see me there. I'm not the girl you used to be friends with anymore, and I refuse to wait around and watch you realize it. Walk away first; don't get hurt._

I shuffle back into the living room where my new friend, Amy is sitting on our couch. She lives down the street and our lives are more alike than most people will ever know. These are the kinds of people I'm destined for now. Not Paige. Not the ones who can do so much better.

"Okay, who was that?" Amy asks, almost laughing.

"Just a girl I used to play with when I was little," I stretch the truth a bit, but not much.

"Doesn't seem like your type," Amy shrugs and passes me the bottle we'd been sharing.

_But she is._

_oooooooooooo Present_

It's nearly 3am now, as we walk back to my house in the dark, under the moon and the stars. It's been almost five minutes and she hasn't said a word. Neither have I. Actually, I think this is the longest amount of time I've ever gone without speaking. It should probably feel weird, but it doesn't. I'm calm and relaxed, somehow, despite the scene I just witnessed in which one of my closest friends was pushed around by some drunken man while her mother just stood by and watched.

I look down and realize my hand is in hers. I honestly don't remember how long its been like that, but I'm guessing since we left her apartment. It feels a bit like one of those cheesy romantic movie moments but I swear it isn't like that. I'm just giving her support in case she needs it. She's walking okay though, so I guess she really doesn't need me. I suddenly feel like I need to start talking.

"Alex?" I have no idea where I'm about to go with this.

"Hmm?"

"I'm really sorry," apparently I'm apologizing. That seems to be my go-to place as of late, which is odd because a few months ago, I wouldn't throw out apologies to anyone.

"That wasn't your fault, Paige," she replies flatly, but sincerely.

"Not just that, just, everything."

_Uh-oh, don't do it, Paige. Don't go there._

"I'm sorry for being mean to you when you came to Degrassi. I'm sorry I stopped calling you and completely dropped out of your life. And I'm so sorry I was such a horrible friend to you when you lost your dad. I had no idea that it was this bad, Alex. I can't believe I haven't been there for you after all the stuff you did for me when we were kids," the words pour from my mouth and I'm helpless to stop them, and incredibly embarrassed, but I feel the weight of five years being lifted off my chest. These words have been swirling around in my mind and right in front of us for so long, but I hadn't dared say them.

"I wasn't exactly there for you either," she says, smiling sympathetically, "I mean, what kind of friend am I that I didn't even know you were…you know."

"Raped. You can say it," I sniffle a bit, but not at that word.

"I tried calling you, you know," she's still smiling and the expression on her face is one I haven't seen in years. There's no trace of a frown, and her eyes actually sparkle in the streetlight, "The day in the bathroom, when you told me about your court case. I called you that night to see if you needed to talk."

"How come I didn't know that?"

"I chickened out after the first ring and hung up."

We both giggle a bit at this and before I know it, her arms are around my waist and her chin is resting on my shoulder. I instinctively throw my arms around her neck and I let out a breath I feel like I've been holding in for a long time.

"I forgive you for being the worst best friend ever," she smirks, ruffling my hair a bit with her laugh.

"And I forgive you for being the other worst best friend ever," I retort, a strange sensation building in my stomach. It sort of feels like when you go down the first drop of a roller coaster, but I'm sure I'm just tired.

"Start over?" she pulls away from me and I suddenly feel cold, but she extends her hand, and I take it.

"Sounds perfect, hon," I smile as we continue walking toward my house.

"Okay, first order of new friendship business; no more calling me 'hon'," she says, trying to sound very serious.

"Why not? I call everyone that," I pout.

"I know, I want a better name," she grins and I see a spark of something across her face. She leans in close to me and I remember just a few moments ago when we were on her couch. She had scooted forward a bit and I felt like I was suffocating. I could feel my face heating up and my heart start to pound, but we had been interrupted by Chad before I could figure out what was happening, "And second new order, I want the right side of the bed."

"What?" I pretend to be angry, but we both know I'm not, "But that's my side!"

"But I'm wounded and helpless," she holds up her bruised arm and sticks out her bottom lip.

_How adorable is that? I can't say no._

"Okay, okay, stop whining, baby," I grin.

"Ew, baby?" she raises her eyebrows, "That better not be my new name!"

"Well it sure fits you right now," I drag her up my driveway and into my house.

_It's been so long, too long._

_oooooooooooooo_

Okay, NOW the big moment is coming up next. Patience =]


	7. Choose the One Who Loves You More

A/N: Sorry I took so long guys! Anyway, there are parallels between the present day story and the flashbacks, which are my attempt to explain them a bit better and maybe go way more into it than anyone really wants…but oh well!

Disclaimer: I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on.

ooooooooooooo Present

She paces around the room, searching for God knows what, while I sit on her bed, smiling at the sight. Whatever it is, she's doing it for me; I guess that's a good thing, right?

"Paige, what are you looking for?" I finally ask, hoping maybe it'll get her to stop for a second, or better yet, get back to that moment we were in before Chad so rudely interrupted. We had been sitting on my couch, knees touching, staring, waiting for…something. It might just be my imagination but I think I leaned toward her, and I'm pretty sure she noticed and didn't back away. Could that mean she was as curious to see what was going on between us as I am? Has she even noticed anything's different? This is Paige we're talking about. She sort of needs a flashing neon sign in front of her face to inform her of her own feelings.

"Like, a bandage or medicine, or something for your arm," she rummages through her dresser drawer and I instinctively run my fingertips over the spot where I cut my arm when Chad knocked me onto the floor. I know I should probably be in pain right now, but something about the whole night I spent with her talking and dancing and laughing makes it all go away.

"Oh please, this is nothing compared to," my voice trails off as I realize the place this conversation is going. I so do not want this night to be about that, "I'm fine, really. No big deal."

Paige continues to look everywhere but at me, though I can see the look of horror on her face. She shuffles quickly toward her bathroom, returning with a washcloth and a fake smile, which I know she thinks is for my benefit; like it'll make me feel better. Actually, it kind of does. I just like to see her smile, even if its forced. Someday I'll be able to make her smile for real, or at least, I'll try my hardest to. That is, if she ever speaks to me after what I'm about to do.

_Wait, what am I about to do?_

She sits next to me on the bed and pulls my injured arm toward her a bit. The place where her skin meets mine burns far more than the cut on my arm, maybe more than anything I've ever felt. I already know I could get addicted to this. But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. Baby steps.

_I've got to do something tonight though._

My thoughts suddenly make me nervous and I twitch under her touch.

"Will you hold still?" she smirks a little, "I'm trying to help."

"Being in your room, this helps," I assure her, attempting to keep my voice steady. I can't let her see how nervous I am. Nervousness makes people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable people tend to run away from things. "It's quiet. No screaming, no smashing."

"Nobody should have to deal with drama of the shoved over the end table variety, day in, day out," she says sincerely. This is the most vulnerable I've seen her in a while, despite the fact that she claims to be taking care of me right now. I can't help but wonder if maybe she knows I'm about to kiss her.

_I am?_

"Even me?" I ask, my voice shakes.

_Yeah, I think I am._

"Especially you," she looks surprised I would even ask that question. It's like she forgot she compared me to ice patches and dog crap when I accidentally tripped her in the hallway just last year. Gee, and she wonders why I sometimes doubt my value in her eyes.

_Don't think about that now. Things are different. We're friends again. You can tell her how you feel now, just like when you were little._

"Paige, I'm in trouble. And this isn't related to any table collisions that happened tonight. It's a different kind of trouble," even as the words exit my mouth, I realize their overly cryptic quality. I'm not sure I even know what I mean by them. I've got to be more obvious, even if it makes me look like a fool. So, I lean, and this time, I'm sure she leaned too.

The zillions of thoughts that are racing through my head are silenced the moment my lips touch hers. All is still, like the calm before a storm, but in the best possible way. I know my heart is racing but I barely even notice.

It's not a prelude to sex, like the kisses I've experienced in the past. It's different. Her lips aren't demanding or forceful or needy; they're soft and gentle and sweet, like the frosting on a cupcake. Both of us are careful and cautious, but increasingly bold. The tip of my tongue barely meets hers, but I feel it like a lightning bolt and I struggle to keep from shivering. But it's over as quickly as it began when I sense her breath hitching in her throat and she pulls away from me, gasping, leaving me cold and lightheaded.

"Um, okay," she stands awkwardly and I can see the gears starts turning in her head once again, "Uh, speaking of trouble, or not trouble, um, uh, you take my bed and I'm gonna…I'm gonna sleep downstairs on the couch."

"Paige!" I make one last desperate attempt to have a rational conversation about this, but she continues toward the door. I'm not going to go after her, if that's what she thinks. I'm not one of her lovesick boy toys on a string.

"Nighty night then," and she walks out, leaving me on her bed, hurt and confused. Does she think I'm not just as afraid as she is right now? I could use my best friend to talk to about this. I fight the urge to go after her by laying down on the bed. She'll come back to me when she's ready. I'll never force her into anything.

ooooooooooooo FLASHBACK

"Can I help you?" asks a stern looking woman as she opens to door to me. It's Paige's mom and she obviously knows who I am, but right now she's successfully making me feel like a stranger; and an unwelcome one at that.

"Um," my voice is shaky, "I'm here for Paige's graduation party."

"Oh, I didn't know she invited you," her lips form a tight little smirk, much similar to one I'd seen Paige make a few times when she talked to someone she didn't like, "Everyone else is here already, out back."

"Thanks," I walk in slowly, stepping cautiously through the living room toward the back door. Everything in Paige's house is always so perfect, I feel like I have to tiptoe to keep from breaking something. I could see figure of all my former classmates through the glass door, the light from outside contrasting with the dark of the house blurring them slightly. They were dressed nicely; I hadn't really thought about it being that kind of a party. I suddenly feel a bit awkward in my jeans.

"Hi, guys," I chirp uncomfortably as I step out on to the back porch. There are lights everywhere and the pool has little floating candles in it. I feel like grade 6 is a little too young for this sort of thing, but whatever.

"What are you doing here?" Hazel, Paige's condescending shadow narrows her eyes at me, "This is a graduation party. You didn't graduate."

"Well, no, but Paige invited me," I say without thinking because before this moment, I never expected my best friend to completely disown me in front of our entire class.

She looks from Hazel, to me, to Ashley, to me, and at several others as my heart rate quickens.

_Say something. Anything. Make them stop staring at me._

"Please, I so did not," she smirks and laughs and crosses her arms, head bobbing as if she was above me, "It's not my fault she has nowhere else to go on a Friday night."

Her words hit me like a lightning bolt. Time seems to slow and I feel like I'm having one of those embarrassing nightmares where I'm naked and everyone's staring, only its worse because its reality and I've just lost my best friend.

"But, you said," I have no idea why I'm still talking, grasping at straws, trying to save something that Paige has clearly already decided to abandon.

"Hon, don't embarrass yourself," she clicks her tongue and smirks again, but her eyes are pleading. She knows she's got the whole room convinced, except for one person of course, "Go back home and play with your imaginary friends or, whatever it is you do there."

It's a horrible insult, but she never was good at those anyway. At least, she wasn't a few months ago. She's apparently acquired a mean streak since then; one that seems to be growing with every fake friend she makes.

My eyes are burning with tears and I feel like I'm suffocating. My eyes meet hers one last time and I shake my head. Her eyes are glistening as well, but I don't know the reason. Is she ashamed that she hurt me? Or just ashamed of me? I turn, and walk away, head down, past my former classmates, past her mom, and out into the night. I didn't know I could feel a pain this intensely after losing my dad, but somehow, it's worse. My dad didn't mean to leave me, he didn't want to, he just had to. Paige made a choice tonight; them over me, and she did it so carelessly, so easily.

I honestly don't know how she could do that after all we'd been though, after all we'd planned to go through together. I wonder if she'll ever think about me again after tonight.

ooooooooooooooo PRESENT

_I mean, I guess if you want to get technical, then yeah, I kissed her back._

I sit on the edge of my living room couch, head in my hands. Already, this has been quite a departure from the way I usually feel after my first kiss with someone new. I'd probably still be awake, sure, but I'd be smiling and replaying the moment over and over again in my head until I fell asleep. I can't replay this moment though, for whatever reason. It's scary. It's weird. I mean, it should have been weird.

_No, Paige, don't think about it._

I contemplate my next move carefully. I know I'll never be able to sleep without my pillow, but I'm sure I won't get to sleep even if I did have it. Plus, that would require me going back upstairs into my room where…you know. I can't even think her name in my own head. For some reason it feels like the whole world can see my thoughts, can see what we just did. It makes me feel exposed, open, vulnerable, even though there's no one in this dark room except for me.

After a few more minutes, I slowly stand. I walk quietly up the stairs and stop at the door to my room. Will she still be awake, thinking the same things as I am? Or will she be asleep, dreaming about it? I don't want to talk about it, but I do want to talk to her. Somehow I doubt we can talk normally again without discussing this, though.

I open the door just a bit and back away. If she's awake, she'll get up to see if anyone's here, right? I'll hear her footsteps and then I can just run back downstairs before she sees me.

_Silence._

I peak through the crack and I see her, laying on my bed, eyes closed.

_How can she be sleeping so peacefully after this night?_

I tiptoe in and grab my pillow, sliding it slowly across the bed as not to wake her. She's laying on her side with one hand tucked under her face. She looks so childlike, so helpless. I can almost see her when we were just 7 years old and she'd put a note in the backpack of the cutest boy in class. She was so nervous about it, but I'd assured her everything would be fine. It wasn't until he found the note at lunch and showed it to his friends, laughing and making disgusted faces, that we realized he didn't like her back. I'd never forget the look on her face at that moment. I wasn't sure what to do to make it better at the time, so I wrote her a note of my own and put it in her backpack.

_Dear Alex,_

_I'm so glad you're my best friend._

_Love Paige_

Okay, it wasn't Shakespeare, but I was 7. And really, what more needed to be said?

I thought for a moment about what might have happened if I had stayed in the room. She had slept in my bed many times before, many years before, and nothing untoward had happened. So why am I picturing all these horrible sexual scenarios that could have occurred tonight? What's different? What happened? How did we go from innocent, childhood best friends to…kissing?

Realizing I was now sitting on the bed next to her, I quickly stood and made my way back out of the room. I knew exactly who I needed to talk to, and after all his late night phone calls to me about Marco, he'd better answer my phone call.

"Hello?" came the sleepy voice of my older brother through my cell phone at 4 am.

"Dylan. I have a serious question," I say slowly, hoping he's awake enough to comprehend anything I'm saying.

"It had better be serious if you're calling me at this hour."

"Okay, I kissed a girl. How's that for serious?"

He doesn't respond immediately. He's either fallen asleep or is too shocked for words.

"Uh, okay," I can tell he's sitting up now, clearly understanding that a life-altering moment has just occurred, "Do I know her?"

"Pretty well."

"Is it Alex?"

_What? How could he have guessed that so quickly? I have plenty of friends who are girls. It's not that obvious…right?_

"How did you know?"

"I didn't really, but it's the only one that would make sense. I mean, you know each other better than your other friends do and you just recently started being friends again, and I've seen you two flirt…"

"What? We do not flirt, Dylan. We're just girls. That's how we act."

"Okay, you don't."

_He totally doesn't mean that._

"Look, Paige," his voice turns a little more serious, "When you kissed her…did you like it?"

"I don't know," I reply quickly.

_Yes._

"Well if you're unsure, maybe you need to figure out a way to find the answer," he says sincerely, "Its worth being sure, at least. Right?"

"So what should I do?" I plead. All I want right now is for someone to solve all my problems for me; which, now that I think about it, is very unlike me. What is going on today?

"I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what not to do. Don't freak out like I know you have been all night, and don't run away. Just, talk about it. I promise, everything will be okay. She was your best friend once, you know."

_She still is._

"Yeah, but I don't even know what we are now."

"What does it matter? Be whatever you want to be. Just remember, you have to live with it, no one else does," he yawns, "Paige, listen, I'm exhausted. Can we finish this at a decent hour?"

"I think we're done, actually," I smile, "Thanks, big brother."

"No problem, little sister. Good night."

We hang up, and I lay back down on the couch. Finally, I feel like I can sleep. None of my problems have really been solved, but at least it seems like I might be able to handle it.

_Maybe._

I recline and stare at the ceiling. I bite my bottom lip because it suddenly feels lonely. I guess it wouldn't hurt to think about what just happened.

oooooooooooooooo

Praise, criticize, or have a good day! =]


	8. She Changes Your Mind

A/N: Well here's where things start to get interesting, kids! The flash forwards begin!

Disclaimer: Until further notice, lets assume I don't own Degrassi.

oooooooooooooo PRESENT

I raise my hand up to knock on the bathroom door. I put it back down, defeated. I repeat this action twice more, sighing, annoyed at my own immaturity. Just on the other side of this door was Alex, who had gone in to "rub some toothpaste on her teeth", her words, and never came back. I assume she's in there waiting for me to leave so she can come out, not wanting to face me after our awkward encounter this morning. I can't say I really blame her. I don't remember exactly what I said; I know I was rambling and I know I had never felt more nervous and uncomfortable but oddly excited in my entire life. Just being in the room with her again, under her gaze, I couldn't help but feel exhilarated; butterflies, goosebumps, and a strange need to keep moving and keep talking.

Before I can make another attempt to knock on the door, she opens it.

"Oh, um," she looks at my lips, my eyes, then her hands, "Sorry, did you need the bathroom?"

"No," I watch her face twist into discomfort and I feel bad for thinking I was the only one who was confused right now. She asked me to dance, she brushed my hair out of my face, she _kissed_ me. Obviously, she's been dealing with these strange new feelings a lot longer than I have, "I just wanted to tell you I'm leaving for school, but I left some clothes out on my bed for you."

She lets out the breath she was holding and grins, "They better not be pink."

"Nope," I relax a little, "I even threw in some black."

Her grin gets a little wider. _This isn't so hard._

"The underwear might be pink though," I say, not really thinking about the flirty undertones my comment would add to the conversation.

"Geez, Paige, I'm not getting in your panties after only one date."

_Date? Panties? What?_

She must have noticed the look of horror on my face. I fidget and I look for somewhere to run, but she touches my shoulder before I can go and looks me in my eye.

"I'm just joking. Chill out," she says seriously.

"It wasn't a date," I say through gritted teeth. Any other time it would come out sounding angry, but my quivering voice and lack of eye contact give away the fact that I'm actually terrified.

"Okay, it wasn't a date," she holds her hands up in defeat.

_There was dancing, she walked me home, I met her mom, she kissed me at the end of the night. If it was a guy it would have totally been a perfect date. But she's a girl, so that makes it not a date because I don't go on dates with girls. Yes._

"Well, I'm just gonna go to school now," I stutter, looking down in hopes she won't see the blush creeping across my face.

"Wait, Paige," she grabs my hand and pulls me back, letting go just as quickly, "I'm sorry, okay."

"For what?" I ask cautiously. I'm totally not prepared to discuss the "k" word, but I would also like to know why she's sorry for doing it.

"For scaring you."

_Okay, wasn't expecting that._

"I knew you were going to freak out cuz it's you, but I just couldn't stop myself. Anyway, I would never want to scare you, and it's obvious I did, and I'm really sorry. Are we still friends?"

_Aww. Wait, no!_

"Of course we're still friends, but friends don't do that, Alex!" I yell accidentally.

"You're right," I've never seen her eyes so serious, vulnerable, caring. Even when we were best friends, she never looked at me this way. It makes my heart race, "So what are we?"

"We're…" our eyes stay locked for so long it feels a bit like last night when we were sitting on my bed, only this time Alex doesn't look so scared and pitiful. She looks confident and eager and I can't look away. I suddenly feel like I've lost control of the situation to her as I feel a pull I can't explain. We must have subconsciously gotten closer because I catch a hint of the minty toothpaste on her breath. She bites her bottom lip mischievously and I suddenly imagine I'm the one biting it, kissing her hungrily as I push her back into my bathroom, up on the counter, me in between her legs and "...going to be late for school."

I turn and leave as quickly as possible and this time she doesn't stop me.

_I need to talk to Marco, like, right now._

_ooooooooooooooo FLASHFORWARD!_

He flashes me a toothy grin from across the room and by reflex I return it. Is he cute? Sure. Is he nice? He seems so. But, he's also a he and I know what he wants, and he has no clue he'll never get it.

"Hey, Alex," Bryan, the boy who hits on me every afternoon at 4, leans over the counter casually, "one five-year-old to go, please."

_Every day he says that, and it never ceases to sound really creepy._

"You got it," I joke along anyway and sigh at the monotony that is my life as I make my way to the playroom where all the kids are. How did this become my life? 27 years old and I'm stuck running a day care center for preschoolers in Toronto. Some of the parents of the kids are even close to my age, and I don't even have a girlfriend, much less a child. They all call me dozens of times during the day to check up on their children; I guess that's a good thing they care so much, but I really find it annoying. Everyone that is, except Bryan, the boy currently standing at the counter, attempting to flirt with me while picking up the girl I'm guessing is his daughter. He's never really said. She could be his little sister. But he looks about my age, so either explanation makes sense. No one else but him has ever come to pick her up; maybe he's a single father.

I tiptoe through the room where all the kids are sleeping. I'm not a huge fan of children, but there are a few of them that have wormed their way into my heart. Like this one boy with big, brown eyes who wears a different superhero shirt every day. All you have to do to get him to do anything is tell him that whatever superhero he's into would want him to do it. It's really adorable. And then there's this girl, the one who belongs to the boy waiting at the counter. She can't go to sleep at naptime unless I tell her a story, which is sometimes a bit frustrating, but I usually don't mind. Then there's a little redheaded girl who always shares her cookies with all the other kids until she has none left for herself. She kind of reminds me of Ellie sometimes, which makes me feel weird. I don't like to think about the past or the people in it.

I find Bryan's daughter, Lucy, pick her up carefully so not to wake her, and carry her out to the lobby.

"She's out," I laugh as I hand her to him and she wraps her arms around his neck in her sleep.

"Thanks," he continues looking at me like he's thinking about me naked.

"So," I break the awkwardness, "you must have been pretty young when you became a Dad, huh?"

"23," he nods.

"Is it hard being a single dad?" I realize I'm probably sounding like I'm interested in him, but I'm really just trying to keep the conversation away from him asking me out on a date.

"Well, Luce's mom helps a lot, so it's not too bad," he brushes a few of her blonde curls out of her face and for a moment I find him a bit endearing, "I pick her up and drop her off, and she has her the rest of the time."

"That hardly sounds even," I smirk.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, she'll be doing the dropping off and picking up tomorrow because I'm going out of town for a few days, but don't worry, I'll be back before you know it."

"Great," I roll my eyes.

"So, when I get back, what do you say we hang out, catch a movie?" he winks like one of those cheesy, tan lifeguard men.

"Isn't your baby mama going to be upset about you going out with her daughter's preschool teacher?" it's so easy to tease him.

"No, Paige dates other people too."

Her name on his lips goes through my whole body with a jolt and I feel my pulse quicken. It can't be her, it just can't. Surely, there are plenty of girls with that name in Toronto. I look at Lucy again, and suddenly, it's like I'm seeing her for the first time. Her blonde, curly hair, her big, blue eyes that always sucker me into telling her a naptime story, the way she babbles on and on about every little thing and all the other kids listen intently; there is no doubt in my mind who's child this is.

"Okay, well I need to get back in there, so have a fun trip and I'll see you later," I say so quickly I'm sure he didn't understand and I scamper away. I haven't seen her in almost 8 years, and now she's just going to drop right back in to my life.

_How am I going to handle this?_

_oooooooooooo PRESENT_

She's holding my hand in the hallway outside my apartment, right after telling me I mean everything to her. For someone who has everything and everyone and everything going for them, this is a pretty big deal. I almost don't believe her, but her eyes tell me it's okay. They stare straight into mine and sparkle, even in the darkness. I feel my own eyes water and I look down at our clasped hands.

_Please don't let this be a dream._

I feel her hand on my cheek and I realize she's wiping a tear away that had escaped from where it was pooled at the corner of my eye.

"Is Alex Nunez crying?" she says with that adorable sideways grin.

"No," I sniff and a laugh escapes, making me sound even more pitiful.

She smiles and retracts her hand nervously, shaking a bit, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. Clearly, neither of us has a clue what we're doing.

"Um," I fiddle with my hands, "I'd invite you in, but Jay's here."

"Eww," she wrinkles her nose.

"Eww?" I raise my eyebrows, "You're not jealous of Jay are you?"

"Me? Jealous? Never," she leans against the wall next to me, crossing her arms.

"Well, I was kinda jealous of Spinner," I admit sliding down the wall until I was sitting on the ground. I tugged lightly at Paige's jeans so she would sit too, and she does. She leans her left thigh against my right one and I'm amazed that I can get so many butterflies from such light contact. With a girl, no less.

"Please, hon, you so didn't need to be," she takes my hand again, placing it on her lap, her fingers intertwined with mine. Her hand is freezing cold and I know mine is sweaty, but neither of us seem to mind. That or we're both too nervous to notice.

"I know, but I just couldn't stand the way he treated you sometimes, you know?" I figure now is as good a time as any to pour my heart out, "I just kept thinking you should be treated better. I guess deep down I wanted to be the one to do that. Or something."

She smiles genuinely and uses her free hand to twirl her hair.

"Alex, why do you pretend to be all tough and then say adorable things like that?" she asks.

"I am tough," I nudge her shoulder, "You just bring out the adorable in me."

She opens her mouth to speak, but fails.

"What?" I ask.

"This is kinda weird, isn't it?" she traces a pattern on my palm, busying herself so she doesn't have to look at me.

"How so?" I try to keep my breath steady, though I can feel goosebumps forming on my arm.

"I mean, I feel all these things for you that I've only felt for boys before and I just don't understand it," she shrugs.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" I grin.

"Stop it," she warns with a smile.

"Come on, you can tell me," I rest my chin on her shoulder, eagerly awaiting her answer.

She glances at me out of the corner of her eye, "Alex, please."

I love the raspy way she says my name when she's nervous. I see she's getting past the point of things she can handle, and I promised I wouldn't freak her out again, so I decide to be the brave one.

"I'll tell you how you make me feel," I fix my eyes on her, hoping she doesn't run away again, but wanting her to know I'm serious, "I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see you. Like, big, giant ones that make me feel like I'm gonna throw up."

"So I make you want to throw up? Well that just sounds great," she rolls her eyes and takes her hand away from mine, hurt.

"I'm not finished yet, Miss Impatient," I take this opportunity to pull her toward me and wrap my arm around her, "I actually look forward to things I used to hate like work and school because I get to see you. And I think about you when I go to sleep at night and when I wake up in the morning."

She smiles and finally relaxes into me, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"And I pretty much want to kiss you 24/7." I add that last little bit, closing my eyes, preparing for the worst. Silence. I open my eyes to see her staring up at me.

"Me too," she says simply.

Right now would be too obvious a moment for our first "I like you, you like me, we're kind of together" kiss, so I settle for a smile instead.

"So what are we?" I ask, standing up and pulling her with me.

"I guess we're…girlfriends?" she says with a giggle and I can't help but laugh too at the absurdity of that statement. Well, that and how good it feels to hear it.

"Okay then, for you first girlfriend duty, I think you should walk me home," I take her hand.

"Umm, Alex, we're at your door right now," she wrinkles her forehead in confusion. Apparently, she isn't 100% clear on my sense of humor yet.

"Well it looks like you have an easy job then," I bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it gently, "Goodnight, girlfriend."

She blushes, averting her gaze from my eyes to the floor, yet again, "Goodnight."

I can't be that girl who jumps up and down in giddiness at one of these moments, so I simply sigh and walk back inside.

_Perfect._

_ooooooooooooooooooooooo_

Thoughts?


	9. Control Freak

A/N: Title is a song by Copeland, as usual. I don't own Degrassi as usual. Game on!

oooooooooooooooo FLASHFORWARD

It's 7:24 am. We opened 24 minutes ago, and Paige is late bringing her daughter in.

_Not much has changed._

Her daughter. So weird. I wonder if this means she's actually grown up. She has to have to some degree to be responsible for the life of another human being. Or maybe she just leaves her with other people while she goes out and does her own thing. That would be the Paige thing to do. At this moment, I hear the bell above the door jingle and I know it's her.

_Breathe, Alex. Be cool. You're both old enough to face this now._

"Miss Alex!" I hear Lucy's high-pitched voice as I do every morning when she arrives and she runs toward me with her arms up.

"Hey," I bend down to her level and hold her tiny hands, "how are you this morning?"

"I made cookies!" she squeals and holds a plastic bag full of chocolate chip cookies up to my face, "I brought you some."

She opens the bag and takes out a piece, shoving it at my mouth excitedly. I take a bite and nearly choke, to which she responds by giggling until her cheeks turn bright pink.

"Very good," I manage to grumble through the cookie crumbs, "thank you."

"Lucy Diane!" I know that voice. Paige walks through the door like she was never gone, flushed and out of breath, "I've told you not to walk so fast. Mommy can't keep up with you."

I'm still bent down and Lucy is blocking her view of me. I could stand up, but I think I'll just stay here a bit longer. The inevitable awkwardness is palpable, even if I'm the only one that feels it. I can see her though. Her hair is up and she's dressed to kill, as usual. But, something about her seems off. Her face is almost completely devoid of color and her once girlish figure has been replaced by a nearly skeletal form. Just looking at her like that makes my whole body ache, and I feel like I might actually cry.

"Sorry, Mommy," Lucy's tiny apologetic voice interrupts my thoughts and she pulls at my hand, "this is Miss Alex. She's really nice."

"Hello, I'm so sorry we're late, I…," she sees me. Her face is, as always, completely unreadable, but I can see so many different thoughts in her eyes. Though the sparkle they once held is very dim, "…Alex."

"Mommy," I smile and hold out my hand politely for her to shake. As mad as I should be at her, I can never resist a chance to tease. I want so very badly to be furious with her for the way things ended between us all those years ago, but she just looks so pitiful and I can't say what I really want to in front of Lucy. I'm sure she never wanted to see me again after that day either, so I'm guessing she's not too happy right now.

"What are you doing here?" she asks.

"Working, obviously," I reply.

"Right," she nods, "and I'm late for work, so I'm going to go. I'll see you at 4 I guess."

She turns and walks toward the door.

"Hey, Luce, go on in and tell everyone to get ready for reading circle, okay?" I push the little girl toward the door. At that moment I notice the shoes she's wearing: pink, sparkly ones with white lacey socks. I can still see 6-year-old Paige in my mind, the day I met her, stumbling down the hallway throwing a fit, and wearing those exact same shoes, and my heart melts. I can't let her go so quickly.

"Hey, Paige, wait," I reach her just before she opens the door to leave. I know the look of unease on my face as I say her name has registered with her as she gulps, "umm, are you okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine, hun," Hun. Some semblance of normalcy is restored, "Why?

"You just look, not okay," I try to avoid saying she looks bad because that's not really the way I'd ever describe her, even now. She just looks different, maybe sick or something.

"I'm just tired," she attempts a smile, "I really do have to go. I'll see you this afternoon."

I watch her go, slumped and a bit wobbly, and I get a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

ooooooooooo PRESENT

"Okay, this is officially the worst first date ever," I groaned and threw my head back, nearly hitting the wall behind me.

"I'm sure there's been worse," Alex chuckled at my theatrics.

"Worse than sitting behind a counter at a movie theatre eating stale nacho chips?" I narrowed my eyes at her. Truthfully, I was being a tad dramatic, but I just wanted this to go perfectly.

"And speaking of, you should really stop eating those before you ruin your appetite," Alex snatched the bag away from me.

"What do I need an appetite for? We're stuck at work, missing dinner, remember?" I spoke slowly because she clearly didn't understand.

"Uh," I could see the wheels churning in her head, but before she could come up with anything, a man walked up to the counter, "Oh, look we've got a customer. I'll get it!"

"Alex, what were you gonna say?" I ask, hands on my hips and I watch her scurry around to fill the man's order.

"Nothing," she shrugs.

I notice we're out of napkins, so I head toward the back room, "Fine. I'm gonna go get some more napkins, I think we're out."

"No!" she exclaims, the soda in the cup she was filling overflowing onto the counter, "Don't. I'll get them."

"Relax, Alex, I've got it," I insist, rolling my eyes at her uncharacteristic jumpiness.

_Seriously, what has gotten into her today?_

I push the door open and I feel my eyes widen and my mouth drop open.

"Oh my God," I push the door further open and take in the sight before me. For starters, the room is completely clean which it hasn't been since the day I started working there, and I'm guessing long before that. The couch and the big, comfy chair I always fall asleep on are facing each other, with the coffee table in between them. On the coffee table is an assortment of movie theatre snacks for two, arranged in a way that actually makes them look appetizing. At the center of it all is a plastic cup with flowers in it; the flowers that I know came from the yard of a house close to Alex's.

"Pretty lame, huh?" Alex leans in the doorframe next to me, smiling at the look of shock on my face.

"You did this?" I ask, though the answer is completely obvious. Something about the situation makes me a feel a little nervous, maybe even a little uneasy. I guess it's the concept of a girl doing something romantic for me, combined with the fact that I'm really enjoying it.

"Duh," she laughs, "As soon as I knew we'd both been called in on what was supposed to be our night off and our first official date, I decided that something had to be done, or else you'd tell me its karma that we shouldn't be doing this in the first place, and we'd never get a first date."

_How well she knows me._

I walk over to the couch and sit to get a better look at the array of deliciously unhealthy food. She followed me over and started to sit down in the chair across from me.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" I ask playfully, "I want you on this couch with me."

"Demanding," she flirts back and plops down next to me.

"No candles?" I tease, reaching for something with chocolate in it.

"I think candles would have been way too cheesy."

"I don't know, hun, this is already pretty cheesy," I joke, but I see her looking down a little awkwardly, "But way adorable and I love…it."

_Woah. I'd almost said "I love you". I know its definitely too early into our relationship to think about that, but I do love her as a friend. Though, somehow even saying just that makes me feel like this is already too serious._

"Good," she says seriously, locking eyes with me. We haven't kissed again since the day on the steps outside of Degrassi. It's only been two days, but it feels like forever. I knew it had to happen again once we decided to give this, whatever it is, a shot, but I hadn't really though about how soon it could be. I take a deep breath to relax myself and I lean in to her, our lips making such light contact that it almost tickles. I can tell she's smiling, which eases my tension a bit, and she reaches up to my cheek, resting her hand there gently. I can taste the sugar on her lips from the gummy worms she's always eating during work and it mixes nicely with the M&M I just had. Despite my feelings of lightheadedness and complete lack of breath, I open my mouth a bit more. If this is really going to work, I can't get this shaky over a kiss, right? Her tongue slides across my bottom lip playfully and I know she feels me shiver because I feel her giggle.

_Well, this isn't so difficult…_

The mood quickly shifts when I feel her tongue against mine. I can feel the speed of my breathing increase, but I try to hide it. Why? I'm used to getting my boyfriends all worked up and enjoying the power I hold over them. This is different. Any sense of control I've felt I had at any point during this night is gone.

"Are you okay?" she asks me, pulling completely away. I miss her immediately and the concern in her eyes makes my whole body tingle, craving her touch anywhere, everywhere.

"Yeah, I'm wonderful," I cup the back of her neck and pull her back to me, our lips colliding forcefully this time, and I think I've even surprised her a bit. I lean my body forward, pushing her down onto the couch and she shifts underneath me. I feel her arms go around my neck as she bites on my lip. I feel her pull my hair tie out of my hair and it all falls down in her face and we both laugh. I lean back a little and she tucks the fallen, blonde strands behind my ears and grins, her thumbs caressing my cheeks which I know must be bright red. We sigh, content.

"See? I don't even need the candles to get some action with you," she taps my nose with her finger and we both sit up, gazes shifting shyly to the floor, then back to each other.

"You're right. It was the weeds in the soda cup," I lace my fingers with hers.

"So unappreciative," she pulls my body against hers and kisses my cheek.

_No, this isn't difficult at all._

_oooooooooooooooo FLASHFORWARD_

I sit in my unnecessarily fancy car outside the day care center, waiting for everyone else to leave. Creepy? Maybe a little, but I have to talk to Alex alone, even if it's just for a few minutes.

Alex. A name I've thought so many times in my head, but haven't seen in such a long time, it's like she's a fictional character in a story in my mind. It would be much simpler if she was; I wouldn't have to go in there and tell her the truth. Though I suppose I don't have to do that anyway. I could just make something up, tell her I'm fine. No.

So, my feet begin dragging me against my will toward the door. When I reach it, I notice it's quiet. Everyone's gone. I walk up to the counter where Alex stood just this morning and I can see through the window of the door to the playroom. The sight brings unmistakable warmth to my heart, and my eyes might be getting a bit watery, I can't tell. I see Alex, slumped down in a rocking chair, an open copy of_The Cat in the Hat_ leaning against her chest, and my daughter in her lap, her head on Alex's stomach just below it, both sound asleep. They both look so simply content and I wish that moments like that could just last forever. But they can't. So, I knock on the door.

Lucy wakes up first and climbs down from Alex's lap, and runs toward me.

"Mommy!" she leaps up into my arms and I don't really have the strength to pick her up, but I do anyway. She puts her chubby, little finger up to my lips, "Shh, Miss Alex is sleeping. I read her a naptime story."

"Oh, you read to her, huh?" I smile and wrap a tiny curl around my finger. I notice a colorful ribbon in her hair that I don't remember putting there this morning, "Luce, where'd you get this ribbon in your hair?"

"Me and Miss Alex made ribbons during naptime. She has one too, look!" she points toward her. I see Alex's and it's immediately clear they made them for each other. Hers is falling apart and an odd mix of colors, while Lucy's looks rather perfect.

"So that's why you're both so tired now," I put her down and take out my purse to find a piece of paper to leave Alex a note.

"I can wake her up now," she begins to dart toward Alex, but I hold her back.

"No, let her sleep," I scribble on the paper and place it lightly in Alex's lap.

_Hey Alex, You looked so peaceful sleeping, I didn't want to wake you. I'd love to catch up though. Meet me at the movie theatre on Sunday around 5. Paige._

Movie theatre? Cheesy? Absolutely. Just "Paige" instead of "Love, Paige"? I don't know. It just seems better that way.

I just hope I'll be brave enough to tell her the truth on Sunday.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo END

Review if you wish, and as always, thanks for reading!


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